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Lessons in Management and Life from Star Trek
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Category: Relationships

JUMP TO LESSON:
004: Recognizing our differences (Crusher)
005: Love the body or the soul (Crusher)
041: Appreciate the other viewpoint (Picard)
043: Attract by discouraging (Picard)
044: Bonding of hearts (Picard)
061: Only cowards have extra-affairs (Riker, Troy)
085: The unspoken thought (Picard, Crusher)
098: Addressing personal grudges (Riker, Worf)
137: How to meet/pick up someone (LaForge, Guinan)

Lesson No. 004: Recognizing our differences (Crusher)
Movie/TV Series: Star Trek - The Next Generation

Noteworthy Scene: (Skip to the Lesson if you're not a Star Trek fan!)
Dr. Beverly Crusher has a romantic relationship with an alien ambassador named Odon. Unbeknownst to Crusher, the male alien figure, with whom she is involved, is actually only a host body for the real Odon, who resides inside the host’s body. The actual Odon turns out to look quite a bit like a (15-20lbs) lobster that’s out of its shell!

Upon discovering the real Odon, Crusher damningly accuses Odon of not telling her about his true identity. Odon in turn tells Crusher that she never informed him that she was a single life-form. On Odon’s planet, symbiotic double life-forms are the norm and it never occurred to him that he had to announce it.

Lesson:
This is a perfect instance of an isolationistic viewpoint. Odon suffered from the prejudice and ignorance of not truly appreciating other life forms that were different from his own, and thus, led Crusher, unintentionally, into a fatal relationship.

If we are raised and live in an area where there is only one specific ethnic or cultural type of population that prevails, we are prone to the same risks as Odon, in that we fail to appreciate that there are other people in our world who have differences from us; differences that may range from introductory greeting methods (e.g. handshakes vs. bows) to completely opposite lifestyles and principles.

In the business world, one wrong gesture in a multi-cultural meeting can lead to disaster. Where no offense was intended, a serious insult may be construed. Where an assumption was made, a fact went unexplained. While it may not be necessary to first volunteer self-descriptive information in any business or personal relationship, it is definitely wise to first consider if the other side has the same fundamental understanding as you do, before you proceed.

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Lesson No. 005: Love the body or the soul (Crusher)
Movie/TV Series: Star Trek - The Next Generation

Noteworthy Scene: (Skip to the Lesson if you're not a Star Trek fan!)
Dr. Beverly Crusher has romantic feelings for an alien ambassador named Odon. Odon is a fine figure of a male, very much like a human male, except for extra ridges along his forehead. The relationship begins to fall apart as Crusher finds out the male figure she has feelings for is really just a host body for Odon, and that Odon is actually an alien life form inhabiting the host body. In actuality, Odon’s real appearance is similar to a (15-20lbs) lobster, without the shell.

As the host body dies, Odon is moved into Cmdr. Riker’s body, without causing any harm to Riker. Crusher, who sees Riker as almost a brother, finds it difficult to continue her relationship with Odon in Riker’s body. Overcoming her reluctance, Crusher gives in to her feelings and accepts Riker as Odon. The final devastating relationship ending blow comes as Odon is moved out of Riker and into a new host body - a female host! Crusher fully rejects Odon and resigns herself to accepting that the time has not yet come for such a same-gender relationship to be acceptable to her.

Lesson:
The core issue here is one of personal relationships, best exemplified by Crusher’s self-inquiry about what was it she loved about Odon, his eyes, his smile, his face, or was it something more intrinsic - his soul, if you will. With Crusher, it was obviously difficult for her to separate the soul from the body as she completely rejects the notion of a relationship with Odon in a female host body.

This is a question we should all ask ourselves before entering into any relationship. Getting past the initial physical attraction has to be mandatory for there to be any continuity in the relationship. While the physical attributes are predominantly our first focal point in any attraction, it is also the first disposable item as time goes by. Only when there is appeal in other dimensions of the person, such as personality, intelligence, sense of humor, etc., is there any real chance of building a real relationship.

So, as independent adults, if we are able to connect deeply with another person at a level beyond their physical appearance, of what importance is the actual physical body? Within the realm of opposite gender relationships, there should be none - as shown vividly in the movie “Shallow Hal.”

In the case of Crusher’s final dilemma, same-gender relationships, the answers are not that easy. Today we are accosted with messages ranging from flagrant extrovert behavior that demands our acceptance of their lifestyles to extremist politicians dictating laws banning the lifestyles - which, eventually they themselves are caught practicing covertly. Somewhere in the middle is probably the right answer, buried deep within the ideal of “freedom of choice” and respective societies’ acceptable moral values.

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Lesson No. 041: Appreciate the other viewpoint (Picard)
Movie/TV Series: Star Trek - The Next Generation

Noteworthy Scene: (Skip to the Lesson if you're not a Star Trek fan!)
A metamorph named Kamala, a sentient empathic alien life form raised to serve as a spouse, is being transported on the Enterprise to her wedding. Capt. Picard expresses his dismay and difficulty to Kamala in accepting that any sentient being can live only to be what someone else wants them to be. Kamala explains that for her to be any other way would be the same as asking a Vulcan to forego logic or a Klingon to be non-violent; for a metamorph there is no greater satisfaction in life than to bring pleasure and fulfill the needs of the one with whom they bond.

Lesson:
This kind of servitude aspirations may seem quite backward and even pre-20th Century to most of us today. However, to truly acknowledge and respect other cultures, we first need to shed ourselves of our own prejudices and limited views in life. Our individual ways of life may appear just as unacceptable and inconceivable to people of other cultures.

In the many cultures and nations of our world, children are raised to - remain within their faith, choose their own path, apprentice their father’s profession, be entrepreneurial, be compelled to finish their education beyond the college level, enter the work force as soon as possible, not allow women to work, leave their parents when they reach adulthood, remain with their parents even after their marriage, have pre-marital physical relations, remain celibate until marriage, marry whomever they wish, abide only by their parents choice for marriage, marry for life regardless of any complications, and divorce on a whim.

While many of these conditions seem quite contradictory, they are all parts of the human equation. We can pick and choose which of these factors pertain to our own lives. But when we do not accept those who choose the other attributes that do not fit into our lives, we cut ourselves off from each other. The ones who choose the attributes we do not select for ourselves may dismiss us in turn.

Capt. Picard might have appreciated Kamala’s outlook on life better if he had paid heed to the words “Try to see it my way…While you see it your way, there's a chance that we might fall apart before too long.”, courtesy of the Beatles, 1965.

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Lesson No. 043: Attract by discouraging (Picard)
Movie/TV Series: Star Trek - The Next Generation

Noteworthy Scene: (Skip to the Lesson if you're not a Star Trek fan!)
The Enterprise is transporting the metamorph, Kamala, who is to be wed to the ruler of a warring planet to bring about peace. Kamala is empathic and can sense a man’s desires and, by instinct, transforms her personality to fit the man. This way, no man can ever reject her. Capt. Picard, true to his duty to deliver the already betrothed Kamala, tries to keep his distance from her. This only attracts Kamala to Picard even more and despite his efforts, she expresses her desire for him even more. When finally confronted by Kamala’s attentions, Picard asks her if he has not done everything he can to discourage her in pursuing him. She replies, maybe that’s the perfect way to attract a metamorph.

Lesson:
This is a crucial factor in the realm of human relationships, whether it is personal or professional. Our initial approach in any new relationship is usually to try to impress our target with our qualities and our earnest desire to establish a relationship with them. This is probably where most of the failures begin.

As we implement our strategy to win over our target in the shortest possible time, our tactics are all focused on exhibiting how wonderful we are. In doing so, we are most likely to overwhelm and confound our target to the point of them walking away. The needy, smothering acts can also display a sense of desperation or obsessive behavior on our part.

The way to counter act this negative approach is really very simple. Put yourself in the target’s position. How do you want your pursuer to behave? In your personal life, does being deluged by gifts, requests for dates, unrelenting phone calls bordering on stalking sound attractive? In your professional life, does being inundated by a sales guy regaling you with how great his company is and how wonderful their products are really make you want to buy for him?

In the end, we all really want exactly the same thing. Let us make up our own minds, on our own time. Let us get just the pertinent information we need and let your actions show us you care, but that you are not pushy. Above all, don’t suffocate us.

What Picard found out inadvertently by his actions towards Kamala is what all females on Earth already know and most males here still need to learn. After first contact, walk away. Always give just enough to whet their appetites and never overpower. By not initiating pursuit, you attract more and compel requests for more. By not being always accessible and always in pursuit of your target, you become the target of interest and the one who is chased.

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Lesson No. 044: Bonding of hearts (Picard)
Movie/TV Series: Star Trek - The Next Generation

Noteworthy Scene: (Skip to the Lesson if you're not a Star Trek fan!)
An empathic alien life form known as a metamorph is highly attracted to Capt. Picard. In her instinctive desire for him, she bonds with him mentally and expresses how truly wonderful it is to be a metamorph - to share the other's thoughts and feelings, to feel the inner strength of the other, to open one’s heart and mind to endless possibilities by just being with them, and to hear yourself say I like myself when I am with them.

Lesson:
Our ability to bond with other humans is given to us a birthright. Much like other animals, we too instinctively cling to our parents from our first days here on earth, mostly for survival. Beyond that, we humans, as we grow, have the capacity to choose other humans with whom we may form loving bonds. From the familial loving caring relationships we form with our grandparents, siblings, uncles, aunts, and cousins, to the more intimate ties we establish with our school mates, co-workers, acquaintances-turned-friends whom we met through our travels in life, we have the opportunity to exercise our gifts of affection and caring.

While our capacity to love and care for our family and friends is a wondrous ability, it is in our selection of an outsider as a spouse with whom we wish to share our life’s journey, where we truly shine the brightest. There is pure magic in the way two humans, previously unknown to each other, can form a permanent link between themselves. A link where the needs and desires of the other overrides one’s own, where the smile and laughter of the other provides warmth and their tears of sadness and pain stab as knives into one’s heart. To bond with another in such a way is to get but only a glimpse of the true power we humans possess.

If the most prolific theme of human fables, poetry and art is true, and that, it is in our unique ability to experience the intangible quality of love which sets us apart from all other life forms, then is it too much to expect that we surely have the capability to emulate the gifted nature of the metamorph?

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Lesson No. 061: Only cowards have extra-affairs (Riker, Troy)
Movie/TV Series: Star Trek - The Next Generation

Noteworthy Scene: (Skip to the Lesson if you're not a Star Trek fan!)
Cmdr. Riker has a past relationship history with Counselor Troy on board the Enterprise. They did not pursue the relationship, however, remained very good, close friends. While visiting an alien planet, Riker gets emotionally attached to one of the local female inhabitants of the planet. Recognizing his feelings for the alien female, Riker takes the time to tell Troy of his situation. Riker is not asking for permission from Troy, but does consider her feelings to be important in this matter. Troy expresses her appreciation for Riker taking the time to tell her about his situation and she says that it will impact their relationship, for it is the nature of relationships to change, and in their case, this change only makes her and Riker better friends.

Lesson:
If the one constant of the universe is change, then our emotional relationships are also at the mercy of this mercurial phenomenon. Change can be for the better and make relationships grow stronger over time. However, there are times when the change only serves to diminish.

Long before the heart begins to wane, the eyes are often the first to wander. To seek comfort in the arms of another while still remaining in a committed relationship with someone else is the act of a true coward. To commit such an effrontery while being married is the act of an evil person. Why not be up front and terminate one relationship before starting another? It doesn’t take much to break off a relationship, just a few words at most, which will no doubt cause hurt and pain. However, this will be nothing compared to the anguish that will felt by the betrayal of trust as the extra-affair is exposed.

For almost all of us, it is quite difficult to understand how the few stolen moments of pleasure sought in the arms of another, can outweigh the inevitable disaster that awaits these perpetrators. Self-respect and integrity are unknown to them, as is the shame that will be carried by every member of their entire family for their actions. Despite any good they may perform in their lives, history will not forget such betrayers of trust, from our leaders such as King David, King Henry VIII, Governor Elliot Spitzer (NY), Senator John Edwards (NC) and most recently, celebrities Tiger Woods and Jesse James (spouse of actress Sandra Bullock), to name but only a few. These cowards could have learned a very quick lesson in life from Riker’s forthrightness with Troy.

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Lesson No. 085: The unspoken thought (Picard, Crusher)
Movie/TV Series: Star Trek - The Next Generation

Noteworthy Scene: (Skip to the Lesson if you're not a Star Trek fan!)
Capt. Picard and Dr. Crusher always share a daily morning breakfast together on board the Enterprise. Recently, Crusher has been preparing fancy and unusual meals for their breakfast. When the both of them are captured by an alien race and implanted with devices connecting the two of them together telepathically, they both learn telepathically from each other that they both dislike the elaborate breakfast meals. Crusher kept preparing the meals, even though she didn’t like them, because she thought Picard liked the meals, and Picard didn’t complain because he thought Crusher liked the meals. Both find out they prefer the simpler coffee and croissant type breakfasts.

Lesson:
Communications is the corner stone of each and every relationship, whether it is personal or professional. Whenever more than one human is involved in any event or issue, there can always be at least 2 different views and opinions on the same subject. Given this possible disparity, it becomes fundamentally necessary to ensure that there is no incorrect preconception or confusion in understanding between parties, especially if clarity is desired in any form of transaction. Only through the available means of communications (written, oral and visual) can we establish this common ground of understanding.

Over time, through experience, many can begin to predict the thoughts and reactions of others around them, such as long time secretaries and personal assistants with their bosses, parents with their children, and long-time married couples with each other, amongst others. However, for the rest, good old fashioned 2-way communications is the only solution.

So, let’s be sure to confirm that others really want that - morning report, or weekly meeting, or daily schedule updates, or coffee break chats, or after hours libations, or that your friend really wants all the phone calls, emails, flowers, candy and attention - and not just because you think they want them. In reality, you could both be under the same false impression and yet be totally reluctant to tell the other that these things are really not necessary.

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Lesson No. 098: Addressing personal grudges (Riker, Worf)
Movie/TV Series: Star Trek - The Next Generation

Noteworthy Scene: (Skip to the Lesson if you're not a Star Trek fan!)
In one possible future time-line, Lt. Worf and Cmdr. Riker have a failing apart due to their respective relationships with Deanna Troy. Recognizing Riker’s past relationship with Troy and the possibility that the Riker and Troy may eventually get back together, Worf denied his own feelings for Troy and never approaches her. Aware of Worf’s feeling towards Troy, Riker takes umbrage, and when Troy dies, Riker and Worf grow further apart, holding grudges against each other over Troy. When his close friends tell Riker that both he and Worf have both suffered greatly from the loss of Troy, and that Troy would never have wanted these two close friends to ever be split apart, especially over her, Riker takes the first step and approaches Worf in a reconciliatory gesture.

Lesson:
When incidences cause separation between people, especially friends, family and even work associates, it is critical to address the issues involved without delay. With the transition of time, people left to their own thoughts on the issues, will surely pollute the situations to the point of truly believing that all blame for the disagreement rests squarely on others, but not themselves. The ensuing silence from the other parties on the topic only serves to reinforce this false belief. Only through direct communications can such differences be overcome, or at least avoid misunderstandings. Communications may not necessarily resolve all differences between the parties, but it will at least confirm everyone’s position on the issues and allow each to make their decision on how to go forward, based on fact rather than just impressions.

There was a story of a computer programmer who was working on a new project together with a salesman in a company. The salesman brought the client requirements directly to the programmer and the programmer would build the solution and give it back to the salesman to give to the client. One Monday morning, the programmer found an internal memo in his inbox from the salesman, requesting that if the programmer had any further questions on the project, that the programmer should communicate with the salesman’s manager. Affronted by the audacity of the salesman’s wish to no longer work with him directly, the programmer fired of an instant internal memo advising the salesman to communicate with the programmer’s manager if the salesman had any questions for the programmer. To the programmer’s embarrassment, the respective managers informed the programmer that the salesman was going to be on the road for over 2 weeks, and that the salesman had not wanted the programmer to suffer any delays caused by his absence, so the salesman had updated the sales manager and asked the sales manager to be available for the programmer, should the programmer need any assistance at all. Moral of the story - left to his own accord, the programmer had vilified the salesman in his own mind, based solely on his own misunderstanding.

Whether disagreements are due to misunderstandings or not, ending up by holding grudges and maintaining an air of animosity with other people benefits absolutely no one. If by clearing the air of all misunderstandings results in the realization that incompatibility between the parties is unalterable, it is better to part ways than to continue forward together harboring ill feeling towards one another. Life is way too short to spend on such negative pursuits. Additionally, it is far too late and not at all praise worthy, to reproach one self or to anguish over past grudges with people who have passed on from this life. Better to show true feelings to people while they are still alive, than in retrospect after they are gone.

Extending the first reconciliatory gesture by Riker is worthy of emulating by all who suffer from chronic grudges.

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Lesson No. 137: How to meet/pick up someone (LaForge, Guinan)
Movie/TV Series: Star Trek - The Next Generation

Noteworthy Scene: (Skip to the Lesson if you're not a Star Trek fan!)
While sitting in the ship’s lounge, Lt. Cmdr. Jeordi LaForge is lamenting his dating woes with his friend, the female bartender Guinan. LaForge, wanting to understand the reason for his failures with women, asks Guinan for the female point of view. LaForge explains that he can field strip a reactor, but just can’t seem to make anything work with a girl. He just doesn’t know what to do or what to say. He just can’t seem to talk with women, no matter how hard he tries. Guinan tells LaForge that he is doing just fine talking with her. LaForge says this is a different situation, in that he is not trying with her. Guinan smiles and answers “Exactly my point.”

Lesson:
Why do we always manage to make something so simple, so very difficult?

When approaching a stranger, if we just act naturally and be ourselves, then we have nothing to hide, nothing to justify, and nothing to fake. This way we eliminate not only the time wasted in playing coy and manipulative games, but we also reduce the emotional stress factor down to almost nothing.

If we find ourselves attracted to someone new, then we should introduce ourselves personally; of course, the preferred method is to always be introduced by someone else. After the introduction, we should let them know, gradually and gently through our words and actions that we are attracted to them. If the feelings are not reciprocated, then, after expending a reasonable amount of effort, we should always back-off.

Breaking through the ice of the initial introduction is the real life fear of most people, which is usually intensified by the presumption of rejection. Unfortunately, the fear is always self-imposed and never really necessary. Where there is free-will, there will always be the chance of rejection. As surely as we each reject the advances of others whom we do not particularly like, should we not expect others to reject us accordingly?

We should never let the fear of rejection dissuade us from approaching others to whom we are attracted. Only by inquiring do we find out if the attraction is mutual. By just being ourselves and not pretending to be that which we are not and especially, not trying so hard, do we understand Guinan’s advice and stand any chance of success In our quest.

The answer is really so simple - don’t try, just be!

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