Lesson 135: Attract by discouraging
TV Series: Star Trek - The Next Generation
Season/Episode: 5/21 ('The Perfect Mate')


The Enterprise is transporting the metamorph, Kamala, who is to be wed to the ruler of an opposing warring planet to bring about peace.

Kamala is empathic and can sense a man's desires and, by instinct, transforms her personality to exactly fit the man. This way, it is virtually impossible for any man to ever reject her.

Capt. Picard falls victim to her prowess too; however, true to his duty to deliver the already betrothed Kamala, he tries his best to keep his distance from her.

This only attracts Kamala even more to Capt. Picard, and in spite of all his efforts, she openly expresses her desire for him even more.

When finally confronted by Kamala's attentions, Capt. Picard asks her if he has not done everything he can to discourage her in pursuing him. She replies that, maybe that's the perfect way to attract a metamorph.


This is a crucial factor in the realm of human relationships, whether it is personal or professional.

Our initial approach in any new relationship is usually to try to impress our target with our qualities and our earnest desire to establish a relationship with them.

This is probably where most of the failures begin.

As we implement our strategy to win over our target in the shortest possible time, our tactics are all focused on exhibiting how wonderful we are.

In doing so, we are most likely to overwhelm and confound our target to the point of them walking away. The needy, smothering acts can also display a sense of desperation or obsessive behavior on our part.

The way to counter act this negative approach is really very simple. We first need to put ourselves in the role of the target.

How do we want our pursuer to behave? In our first personal encounter, do continual requests for dates, being deluged with gifts, unrelenting phone calls bordering on stalking sound attractive to us or give us pause for thought that maybe there is something wrong with the individual pursuing us?

In our professional life, does being inundated by a sales guy regaling us with how great his company is and how wonderful their products are really make us want to buy for him?

In the end, we all really want exactly the same thing.

Let us make up our own minds and on our own time. Let us get just the pertinent information we need and let your actions show us the rest. Show that you care, but that you are not pushy. Above all, don't suffocate.

What Capt. Picard found out, inadvertently by his actions towards Kamala, is something that all females on our world have always known, and what most males here still need to learn.

After first contact, walk away. Always give just enough to whet appetites and never overpower.

By not initiating pursuit, you attract more and compel requests for more. By not always being accessible and not always in pursuit of your target, you become the target of interest and the one who is chased.

Now the secret is finally out!

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